Wednesday, November 10, 2004
What is more exciting and exhilarating than falling in
love? Is there anything?
Sadly, though, many of us have learned that it's just as
easy to fall out of love as it was to fall into it. And
while finding love and affection is one of our greatest
personal needs, why is it that so many fail to stay in
love?
Falling in love can be the start of a loving relationship,
but lasting relationships don't just happen; they grow. In
many ways nurturing a relationship is like tending a
garden. Neglect it and it dies. Constant care and
cultivation--including the following suggestions--are
needed to keep love alive and growing.
Love is being there. One of the chief ingredients of love
is to give another person your presence. Without presence,
as Dr. David Augsburger says, love receives an invitation
to die.
Presence is not only spending physical time with another
person but also giving him or her your undivided attention
when you are with them. It includes being sensitive to
his/her feelings and aware of his/her needs. It means not
only hearing with your ears but, much more so, hearing with
your heart.
For instance, recently I visited with a friend who spent
the entire time talking about his interests and concerns. I
tried to share some of my interests, too, but felt as if my
words fell on deaf ears. There was no experiencing of
mutual presence--the basis for all meaningful relationships
including friendships.
Love is understanding. Most behavior is caused or
motivated. Once we understand this, we can be much more
accepting and loving. For example, one father I know was
having difficulty with one of his two children. One was the
"perfect" child, the other constantly rebelling.
"Is one of your children a favorite?" I asked the father.
With a tinge of embarrassment he admitted the "good" child
was. "Do you think this could be the cause of your
difficult son's negative behavior?" I asked again. The
answer was obvious.
"Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as
wise.... Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to
debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit ... always
giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name
of our Lord Jesus Christ. Submit to one another out of
reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:15, 18, 20-21, niv).
In continuing our three-part series on "The Art of Staying
in Love" we need to understand that much negative behavior
in adults as well as children is caused by not feeling
adequately loved. This may have its roots in present
relationships or from unmet childhood needs. Either way,
when people are acting negatively or yelling, they are
hurting and, in a way, however clumsily, are yelling for
help. If we can see this and take the time to understand
the real cause behind their behavior instead of taking it
personally and yelling back, we can go a long way in
strengthening our love relationships. Admittedly, this
isn't easy but we do need to work at it.
Love is also accepting responsibility. Most of us bring the
excess baggage of unresolved issues from the past into our
close relationships. For example, the man who didn't get
along with his mother and is still angry at her will
inevitably take out his hostility on his wife and family.
Or the woman who felt mistreated by her father or some
other significant male and is distrustful of men will take
out her hurt and anger on her husband, and so on.
If we desire to stay and grow in love, it is imperative
that each of us accepts responsibility for resolving our
inner conflicts that cause dissension in our present
relationships. We were not responsible for our upbringing
but we are now totally responsible for what we do about
resolving any negative effects our past had on us.
Love is more than sex. Love is much more than a physical
relationship. It is also an emotional relationship. The man
who ignores the emotional needs of his wife and expects to
receive a warm response in bed is inviting frustration.
Women are not machines to be turned on at will. Sex starts
in the kitchen at six, not in the bedroom at nine, ten, or
eleven--or even later. A long-lasting physical relationship
is the result of an ongoing healthy, long-lasting emotional
relationship.
On the other hand, the wife who no longer shows any
interest in her husband's life outside the home feels
totally shocked when she discovers that one of the younger
women at the office has. Many men (and women too) who get
involved in extra-marital activity, don't do it so much for
sexual reasons but for companionship--someone who will
listen to them and make them feel important and
appreciated.
& our love goes round and round;
2:30 AM
